My phantom had to see me tête-à-tête.
So we have met and I got strangled slightly,
Just in my dream, and I survived, but… Oh,
No devil and no god can help me now.
“Look, baby, I’ll be honest: What I do
Is crush, and then I leave.
My fault it’s not. It’s who I am.
You pass this test of being strong and being
Able to forget. Your test. Right, baby?”
Forget you and forget my own beginning?
Forget my being on the cross and then ascending to the stars?
You’re kidding, having fun, just like you always do.
And where am I to go now with bestirred thirst?
I’d like to lay my head onto a scaffold.
I’d like to dumb down to a senseless doll.
But I endure this torment, pro tem mute,
While you, my sin, keep rankling it with words and jokes.
I could have said, like, something stupid
And unprovoked. Like, silly things…
I won’t though. I don’t blame you,
For Desperation is my sin and mine alone.
The deepest sleep would bring me peace.
But look, it’s 3 AM again… again…
Damn damn damn number.
The time is boneless like a drunken creeping uphill.
My groans are hidden, they’re inside,
Unlike this house’s righteous sighs
In cold October wind.